so today (7.4.24 ca 22:45), the fucker i told the story about lately
asked to know stuff about my past and future
i told him either was irrelevant to me/him to know
and he was telling me that he is now knowing me for so long and still he does not know to wich category to count me in
and i laugh
because
"THIS THE FUCKING JOKE"
thinkers in my head and above
=DDDDDDD
awww the best bodily shake !:D
and i was so tired
already thinking that nobody could make my day
and hell yeah
his saying made my energy spike up again
till now...
so it´s when and where i´m writing this post:D
SO MR DUCHE
asking me for the info i do not disclose
indeed has pushed me to remember my past self (notself mind psyche stories emo ego whatnots)
Petra Elisabeth Lugbauer
was born on the 23.6.1999, in Scheibbs AT; 20:25 o´clock
as a sacral generator with splenic definition/awareness built with an energy to nurish herself before anybody else
in a 4/6 Cross of the Vessel of LOVE (2)
her first 7 years were filled with trust in her family and the beeing pushed around by them
have to do´s this
have to eat then
rememberings of my past between all ages are still dormant in my awareness as i write this
i notice it to be my brain beeing able to connect the things that happened to me now, with reality beeing where i am (today was such a moody emotionally lonely day- and filled with work and my colleague, as well as my father and stepuncle and his son)
sadness is inspiring, wich is why i write this article
also to let go and stop running
from the first lies i told "to the outside" world
to beeing deep in the bullshit of emotional drug escapes in the midst of parties so boring you could not bear the people you are around without the influence
i grew up with a family that were born in the war and post war my millenial brothers were not really available for me when i was a child as i was to the younger brother 15 years appart
the only good thing about my family was that they created the house i write in right now
almost everything was missguided
AND FULL OF HATE
silent, loud
never physical (between my parents)
from what i know - my brothers had taken hits
more than anybody could bear to think about
and i for one am glad that i´m the only opportunist of my siblings!
i got treated with love as my parents are opportunists and they knew to recognise me for that
from a mindfucked way of seeing life
i never knew what they were seeing in me
and hell i do see that i always knew
i always have been impressed with the individualistic storytelling my family did
while also trying to embrace life as it´s embracing me
i believe i failed quite some times when in reality i spoke maturely first and then when requestioned (and already moved on) i turned inward
(wilting flower like)
sadness that´s unprocessed
and nowhere anybody standing to their point- that they are aware!
or at least from what i learned communication wise - never truthfully
so i smart little tribegirl copy them
as much as can
my family was always striving for love
but one searched for material love and the other searched the spiritual
it´s fascinating to me writing all this stuff out of my gut how i feel the stones rolling off my chest.
by the way it´s already 8.4.24 11:48- a night full good sleep made me wake up at about 8:45
wich is one of the times i wake up with love
there are also 11:45, 12:45 and everything after 12:35
other dates and times i don´t really care for- apparently (looking back over the span of my life ofc)
so one can imagine haveing to get up at 6 or 7 to pretend to be fresh and awake at 8:45 when school begins COULD NEVER BE A STORY I WOULD PRETEND!!! I OFTEN BARELY COULD OPEN MY EYES AT THE SCHEDULES
FUCK THIS SHIT; I´M JUST GOING AS BEST AS I CAN
###
always been my mantra LOL
while also navigateing the life of a supposed teenager
i don´t know if i ever will not be a teenager
but as a loveing and intimate beeing
i never recall a time where i haven´t been "TEEN"-AGED
I BELIEVE SEXUAL SATISFACTION STARTED WITHIN AGE 5-6 FOR ME
and my mother always knew
because i recognised to inform her (of anything NEW- from her view ~to me new, but NEW)
and i believe i have always been a smart/ intellectual kid
i read so many books my mom could only buy me 2-3 per month "because we didn´t have the money"
and i have a sibling that apparently looks up to me
i believe we have stigmatised ourselfs in a love and looks story here
but i´m gonna elaborate on that to
I WAS IN LOVE WITH MY SIBLING
AND IT TURNED INTO HATE FOR HER WHEN I GOT INFORMED THAT I´M THE ROLE MODEL FOR HER
i was equal with her/(now them)
and then nothing!
i was above her, apparently
and i had to look out to be a good role model
talk about shattering my vessel of love here
i turned into a vessel of hate
controlled by mind
acting from the mind
and trying to extract the best role model behaviour to life upfront my sibling
that´s what got me bullied also "i believe"
i wanted to be the best, with the best and i rejected my sibling because i wouldn´t bear to be a 7 center open/undefined role model in front of her - when i didn´t know.
and she the cross of healing got a shadow above her- mine
i partially try to live my life now
and still to be a role model
but a unique one this time
and honest
and clear with her
she is in emotional psycho fuckups right now
i don´t know if she would get it if i told her this
i wasn´t even aware that i was sleeplessly, restless
because of that sentence
when i was young i always was the bigger sister
ironicaly she now is about a head and a half higher than me
now i am the older sister
and i definetly have taken this nights sleep as a deep resting
finally
i can rest.
no strings attached
so back to the story
i also tried fooling my sibling
getting us into trouble
hurting her feelings
i was trying to let her see she should follow her own sacral
not mine
i wasn´t the one to look up to
mindstories of course
not telling her truthfully
like we did before
i was wilting on her
and the rotting smell made her (projector channels) go bitter
and i am truely sorry that we weren´t educated/ fastened in ourselves more
i know it´s not my fault
even tho i believe my mind wishes to undo and re do
but in reality it has happened and we are not to change what was but decide now
and i´m me
i follow my inner authority
try to be aware and satisfied to frustrated
and learn from my shadow
i brought a revolution back then
a revolution that i looked up to my grandmother of
she was also a cross of destruction no healing left
i started projectiling my hate towards her
not knowing how to let her slide
i tried fixing my situation with my sister
i do not know what happened between the two of them but my sibling also never was the same
i believe i am certain that they knew also it was just psycho bullshit that minds inflicted on us and that we reinforced that got both of us bullied
i never wanted to proof anything "just give the right LOVE"
wich i had been before- just not made aware of that
so sad
jet so inspiring
my hands are in heat
i believe it´s time to take a break
and appreciate my pear shaped form :) (heart)
after a little detour now, looking at bags, playing with awareness and beeing honest in challenge and especially differentiated doubt
imma come back to the storytelling
i have always been approachable with love
and sometimes that made my grades tilt from good to middle good
and i was proud
to stand by my decision
never questioned (now i know they have been avoiding confrontation and truth.)
trying to rebuild my love has brought me that one year in 9th grade where i had 2 friends and one of them till today (that i believe to have been closest)
and a little cool excursion into databanking and soll and haben and accounting
wich i greatly enjoy today too!
looking forward to applying since, HAHA
and THEN- i made the decision to become a gardener
another one to be the role model
to not make my parents worry
and to provide
and yet i stormed into doom head first
those people i worked with had nothing for spiritual or mundane love giving
just takeing
and smashing in their hands
provided that observations and how i became treated
i believe my mind just gave up the hopeing
and decided to funnel their shit back
as it came
i got emotionally so fed up that i needed escapes
because i couldn´t bear the decision i was standing by (to provide the right role model, wich was the greatest spiritual/mundane love assault on my self ever)
THE POWER OF THE MIND; HUH!?
so i ended up takeing drugs, fleeing- haveing a boyfriend for 9 months and 3 days that introduced me
he was a 6/3 man gen on the same cross as i was
his 7 centers and mine were 9-0 ofc.
no room for anything
friends i whined with broke away
and my behaviour was the one of a hard crusted warrior
until he broke up with me - because i was honest
i didn´t want to take drugs that much any more
he felt threatened or something, i wanted to stay with him
move with him
be aware
-with him
not for him
he wasn´t gonna be a goner with me awake standing by
i cried and moved on
to fake friends
ones who used me for my money
ones who hated themselves more than i could anytime ever imagine
and i moved with them
fucked and sucked and got hated because they didn´t like the confrontation
i moved away from them
they were hate ego mind displays too strong to bargain with in honesty
i was weak
found a new job space
moved with other friends/aquaintances i had met before
found my way eventually out of them all
and then there was this ex (girlfriend?)
in my messages
idk. she told me she knew me
had met 3 times
i´m telling her nope, no thanks
she convinces me
i invite her
well she brought that human design close to me
so close i couldn´t just brush it off
so close she weaponized it against me
for her oh so wellness
well
i wasn´t well
and i wasn´t gonna pretend i was
it´s stupid in a sense (to my mind) the way people treat each other
she had diagnoses
and almost made me believe i did to
seriously
i trusted the wrong people
never with my life
but indeed with my soul
so spiritually speaking i´m not takeing their shit
and i´m good
and i´m confronting with that foul smell/ lingering taste of bitterness
and i´m feeling good about it
and in the everyday life (going to work, hopeing that i´m gonna be financially independent soon, privately) if i´m beeing confronted with challenge i don´t fear to be honest
i´m also not fearing the others emotion any more and especially i don´t fear to disappoint in / with my originality
:DHAH
and at hte moment i´m feeling contenter than ever
like the courses are not coursing me and my not self is actually providing me with lessoning lessons
+ i´m self centered
in truth and love
and motivated+ dare to be motivated selfishly (desire)
and as best outer authority as can :*
thank you for reading the whole thing!
i´m super happy about that and that i have written it
also i didn´t notice the !good times!
which did exist, just in a runaway sense of happenstance
so there was always this smelly fouly feeling inside that i couldn´t shake off and hurt when i would even attempt touching it
so i searched the solution
my truth
innately
and i am here giving the credits to ra uru hu
for maniacly takeing drugs and bidding for the end or a free life (like i did)
to me
for walking, breathing, haveing faith
and for ALL THE OTHER FUCKED UP SHITHEADS and THEIR AWARENESS FOR TAKEING THIS PLANE WITH ME AND FOR LOVEING THEMSELVES AND CONNECTING AWARENESS AND BEEING ABLE TEACHERS
FUCK YOU ARE AWESOME!!! (by the way this is very my generation austrian approval, very sweary, very what i learned from general austria- to enhance the greatness is to swear, it´s not the english hightable language and i´m not gonna sugarcoat it, i was swearing and yet I LOVE YOU)
I CAN´T THANK ANYBODY ENOUGH WHO HAS SHARED THEIR LIFE WITH ME in good and bad times FOR I BELIVE I WOULDN´T BE HERE if it weren´t for you stupid lovely unaware Dipshits (though, go get a fucking PAMPERS Sophie, you can go suck a Dick- i´m not not forgiving you but you earned a seat on the would let die if i had the chance to help list., psycho emo manipulator asshole bitch, i know you were aware enough and indeed it´s sad that you couldn´t be more yourself and in trust but hateing on me for that is deep disrespect for yourself and i have nothing over for that and nothing to help you if you don´t pay me fucking 10.000€ an hour)
and now i´m forgiving myself for haveing put so much weight on my soul because i needed to help them with their needs and wants (no i didn´t ever, HAHAHA)
ps.: i am a 2:00 -4:00 and 6:00 bedtime goer :D
maybe that helps with the sleepdetails too- i´m haveing fun here shareing stuff about me with my friends I LOVE YOU